How I Almost Became a Model

I've been looking for a job lately, which is one of my top-5 favorite things to do. There's nothing like a steady flow of rejection to help boost your self esteem. The jobs I'm applying for are crappy student jobs, and I still can't seem to get an interview. Until I saw this ad in the classifieds:

Thinking about being in movies, commercials, modeling or voice over work?

holladay, UT 84117 - Feb 8, 2008

We have booked actors/actresses and extras in major feature films such as High School Musical, Pirates of the Caribbean, Con-Air, Dumb and Dumber, Tears of a King, The World's Fastest Indian, Napolean Dynamite and films for the Sundance Film Festival. We also do commercial print modeling and runway for DKNY, Nordstrom's, Hollister, Abercrombie, Aeropostale, American Eagle, Dillard's, J. Crew, J. Crew kids, Mervyn's, Kmart, etc.... We have cast talent in movies, commercials, or commercial print ads for companies like Disney, Coca Cola, McDonalds, Canon, WCF, DKNY, Campbell's, Nordic Track, Women's Health, Warner Brothers Pictures, Fox, HBO, Redken, Adidas, Paul Mitchell, K-Swiss, Matrix, LDS films, Rocca Wear etc......

Now, I'm not the world's most handsome man, but I figured I might as well send these people an email. I like to do impressions, and maybe they had work that didn't involve having to show my face:

They ended up calling me and setting up an "audition." This was exciting, not because I have any desire to be famous, but because a paycheck would mean I could eat and buy toilet paper again.

So I drove up to Salt Lake for my "audition." When I got there I had to fill out a form with important information, like my chest measurement and weight. As I was filling it out, a guy walks in who looked like a cross between a total douche bag, and some other kind of douche bag. He was probably in his 40's, but was trying desperately to be 20 again. Big clunky rings on every finger, gelled up hair, and a leathery tan. He shouted to me, "Hey what's up Harry Connick Jr.!"

People have been telling me I look like Harry Connick Jr. for several years now, which to me is just like saying, "Hey, you look like a famous ugly person!" I like Harry Connick, he's got a fantastic voice, but just because he's famous doesn't mean I want to look like him.

"Wow, I look like THIS guy? THANK YOU!!"

I looked at him for a second, trying to think who I could compare him to, and said, "You look just like Admiral Ackbar." Two can play at this game, douche bag.

How many complexes does this guy have?

So anyways, this guy ends up being the one who interviews me for me "audition." The reason I keep putting audition in "quotes" is because there was nothing audition-like about it. Basically this guy spoke about himself for over an hour. He is, according to himself, the greatest human being EVER. After about an hour of me watching him stroke his own ego, he finally says, "Well, we are a talent agency, so if you decide you want to go with us it'll be 400 dollars down, and 100 dollars a month." Wait, so I have to pay YOU money? Isn't that the OPPOSITE of a job? I am basically employing HIM to MAYBE find me a job . . . as a Harry Connick Jr. look-a-like?

So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm still looking for a job.