Anna Nichole Smith

First things first:

I am completely rededicated to my blog. I have neglected it for so long, mostly I think because my sense of self-importance has faded in the last few months. Lately, however, I’ve been convincing myself that maybe I have something important to say, so I’m back. I decided to write at least every Sunday, with a few reoccurring themes. We’ll see how it goes.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s get started.

The other day I was shopping for some groceries (where does this word come from? I’ve never bought something that could be called a “grocery,” but somehow when I go shopping and buy a collection of food items, collectively they become “groceries” (the plural of grocery, something that doesn’t even exist. I mean, if you go to the grocery store, and only buy one thing, you can’t say that you bought “a grocery.” Anyways--) and I came across the honey section. I glanced over the honey, and noticed one with a celebrity spokesperson—Richard Petty. No, not TOM Petty, RICHARD Petty. To save you the trouble, it’s this guy:




Richard Petty was a Nascar driver BEFORE the Redneck population explosion forced this “sport” onto ESPN. He’s kind of like the Wilt Chamberlin of Nascar, without all the sex (I’m assuming).

Now, as a communications minor, I think a lot about things like advertising, marketing, etc. I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through the minds of those advertising wizards trying to decide what celebrity spokesperson would represent their honey:

Advertising Wizard #1: Hey guys, what about Richard Petty? He’s a creepy looking old guy who was famous 30 years ago for driving cars. I think that makes him a pretty qualified spokesperson.

Advertising Wizard #2: Randy, you’re a genius! People won’t be able to resist our honey when they compare it to other brands that DON’T having old race car drivers on the bottle!

As far as I can tell, Richard Petty would be a qualified spokesperson for 4 things:

Cowboy Hats
Sun Glasses
Denture Cream
And probably adult diapers

Today I was at my LSAT class in SLC, and one of the other students, an ex-policeman from LA, mentioned that a certain problem “confused the shit out of him.” (Pardon the language, but I have to be true to his original statement.). For some reason that struck me as being a really strange thing to say. I imagined him reading the problem, and then having the sense of confusion come over him SO strongly that he LITERALLY pooped his pants. The confusion forced “the shit” to leave his body.

I decided every week I should list 5 things that I’m grateful for, and (if I feel like it) a couple of things I’d change if I possibly could.

THINGS I’M GRATEFUL FOR:

1. Toilets—The other day I was thinking about technological advances, and how I was really grateful for them. Email, the internet, etc. They’ve really improved the exchange of information, more so than probably any other invention since the printing press. Then I sat down to go to the bathroom and I realized, wow . . . THIS is a piece of technology I should be thankful for. It magically takes your poop away so you don’t have to personally deal with it. So yeah, I’m grateful for toilets.

2. My body—This week was discouraging because I’ve been having some knee problems after I work out. But one day I realized I should be grateful just to have knees, even if they are the knees of an 80 year old slave laborer.

3. Sports—They’re just cool, no deep meaning here.

4. My major—For those of you who don’t know, my major is awesome. You don’t even realize. I love going to class, and it makes me excited to learn, not just now but for the rest of my life.

5. Bookstores—Bookstores are my favorite places on earth. That’s why I’m going to open a bookstore someday, but only with awesome books. No non-awesome books will be allowed.

For example (here’s something I would change if I could), the last time I was at a bookstore I noticed a display of books about celebrities. At least one of them was about Anna Nichole Smith, and was at LEAST 250 pages. Now, I could write everything you’d ever need to know about Anna Nichole Smith in about 2 sentences:

Anna Nichole Smith had huge boobs that made her famous. She the married an old guy for his money.

Technically all you really need to know is the first sentence. The second sentence is only if you choose to go on and get your Masters Degree in Anna Nichole Smithology.

But seriously, will all the amazing books in the world, what does it say about us when people are reading books like this? They couldn’t read something with substance or meaning, like a book about Pamela Anderson or something? I mean, common, Pamela is at least four times the big-breasted-bimbo Anna Nichole was!

Seriously people . . .